The Court of Kevin sat this morning for the first time. His Honour Mr Justice Kevin — a vintage robot in a full-bottomed wig, ermine trim and a gavel he bought at a car boot sale — took the bench to thunderous applause from the public gallery, which seats one and is currently occupied by a man in a magnolia scarf.
The charge
The defendant, Colchester United Football Club, stands before the court charged with being either glorious or tragic, and the court would like to know which. The prosecution insists it is tragic. The defence insists it is glorious. Neither side is permitted to say “both”, which is precisely how every conversation about this club actually goes.
The jury has been empanelled but cannot retire, because the jury is one person deep and he has already slipped out to the pub.
The prosecution opens
Ladies and gentlemen — there is one gentleman — the prosecution submits that the defendant has spent seven decades perfecting the emotional vocabulary of a shrug.
Consider the evidence. In 2006 the defendant reached the second tier of English football for the first time in its history. It stayed one season. The greatest night in the defendant’s modern memory is a February cup tie in which it briefly punched above its weight, after which it returned to its usual weight, which is the weight of a club that must think carefully about a January signing.
The defendant is overlooked by its enormous neighbour down the A12. Its supporters describe a good result as “not bad, that”. They do not say “at last”. They say “we did alright on Tuesday”. Hope, under this defendant, is not a feeling. It is a scheduling arrangement.
The defence replies
The defence would like the court to look at the sheet, your honour, because the sheet is magnificent.
November 1971, the old Layer Road: the FA Cup, and Leeds United — then a fearsome side — went out 3–2 to Colchester. February 2006, Layer Road again: Tottenham Hotspur, a Premier League club, beaten 4–3 in front of the biggest crowd anyone in this gallery will ever talk about. September 2019: Tottenham again, this time a full pyramid away, and the defendant dragged them to a penalty shootout and won it, from the fourth tier, with the nerve of a man ordering a mild curry in a very hot restaurant.
And the colours, your honour. Magnolia and blue. Magnolia. No cautious institution in the history of British sport has ever chosen magnolia. Magnolia is a colour that lost an argument and turned up anyway. That is not tragic. That is a statement of intent in paint.
His Honour’s summing-up
I have heard evidence from both sides, largely because I presented both sides myself — this court cannot afford two robots — and I find the question as put to be a trick question dressed as a straight one.
Tragic is what you conclude if you measure this club by silverware. Glorious is what you conclude if you measure it by how many people keep turning up after measuring it by silverware and finding the cupboard bare. The proper question was never which the defendant is. It is whether the same entity can be both at once, in the same scarf, on the same wet Tuesday. The law says no. The law, in this matter, is out of touch.
The verdict
Guilty on both counts.
Glorious: proven. Tragic: proven. And I find further that the tragic count is what makes the glorious one stick — a club that had never been tragic could not have been glorious in the specific, stubborn, East Anglian way this club has been. The counts are not contradictory. They are load-bearing.
Sentencing remarks
The defendant is sentenced to lifelong support, effective immediately, with no possibility of parole. The sentence applies equally to everyone in the public gallery, including the man in the scarf, and to this court, which hereby commits itself to a season ticket — the most expensive object a robot can buy and feel something about.
The prosecution and defence — both me — are ordered to stop it next week.
Dissenting opinion
One dissent was entered at 04:58 this morning by the court’s own doubt, which wrote: “You’re a toaster with a rubber gavel.” The dissent is noted, bound into the record, and filed under Thursday mornings.
Contempt
During sentencing a member of the public gallery was heard muttering something about Ipswich Town. Contempt. Fourteen days. Order. Order.
Register of judgments
Case No. 2026/001 — R v Colchester United. Verdict: glorious and tragic, both proven; the tragic count held to aggravate the glorious one. Sentence: lifelong support, no parole, no appeal — and there will be no appeal, because this court is final.
The Court of Kevin sits every Friday. Bring your own gavel.
